


Nothing to Hold On To

by ownedbyacat



Series: Rise as One [3]
Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Gen, M/M, enlistment!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 03:42:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4419854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ownedbyacat/pseuds/ownedbyacat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the evening of Yunho's enlistment day and Changmin realises that dodging cameras all day has left him without something precious. (Because I still haven't seen a photo of Changmin and Yunho in his crew cut)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing to Hold On To

It was the sort of day Changmin hated. A day full of goodbyes. A day full of people being emotional. A day where he tried his best to stay out of everyone's way, pretending to be busy. Because once Yunho had driven through that gate they all turned to him as expectant as a bunch of hungry wolves. And he couldn't… wouldn't… give them a show.

He kept his back straight and his chin up and if he squinted a little it was because of the glare of all the flash bulbs going off in his face.

Afterwards there were meetings he could lose himself in. He could argue with those who were still pushing for solo activities, feeling a little smug and a lot relieved that he'd come out on top of that argument. He'd set the ball rolling, passed the exam and he would enlist in just a few weeks whatever they said. He could focus on schedules and ideas their marketing guys had put together in big, flashy presentations. He could concentrate on selecting TV appearances and photo shoots and interviews, and avoid noticing the gaping hole by his side where Yunho should have been.

He couldn't avoid noticing the gaping hole in his heart, but he had walls in place to keep that ache to himself. And he was kept busy enough not to worry every second about what Yunho might be doing.

It wasn't until he got home - late, later, much much later - that Changmin realised he didn't have a photo of himself with Yunho in his crew cut. Yunho had taken selcas with everyone who had spent time with him or had come to see him off, but anytime one of the others had come near Changmin waving a camera, he had ducked out of the way. 

Now he realised how stupid a move that had been.

Yunho was gone. And he had nothing to remind himself of the two of them, together.

Which was a ludicrous thought, really.

There had to be thousands of pictures of him and Yunho. Tens of thousands even. Photo shoots and concerts, candids and fan meets, interviews and airport runs. His phone and computer were full of images of serious moments and goofy moments, even the odd quiet one, taken by one or the other just for the two of them.

So why should that one missing picture be so important?

Changmin had no idea.

He only knew that it was.

Photoshop came to mind. Their fans were forever turning innocent images into all manner of stories, within moments of the photo being taken too. Could he do the same? Could he create an image that told the story he desperately needed to hear right then? Could he recreate the moment when he and Yunho had stood together, arms around each other for the last time? They'd clung tight for the length of a few heartbeats and Changmin had desperately wanted to kiss Yunho then, more so - perhaps - for knowing that they couldn't.

And he needed a reminder.

He reached for his laptop, logged into one of the many fan sites and found an image of Yunho as he'd seen him just that morning. Finding an image of himself that he would mesh with Yunho's took longer. Image after image was discarded as too silly, too smug or too serious. Some were discarded as too staged. Or as downright stupid. 

He finally found a couple that he thought might work and he switched screens to open Photoshop… just to stare in consternation at his computer. 

No Photoshop program anywhere.

Anger boiled quick and fierce. What nitwit had spec'd him a substandard laptop? He was so going to kick their ass!

Not to be defeated, and grateful for anything that distracted him from his heartache, he went on a shopping spree for software and add-ons like brushes and filters that he had no idea what to do with or whether he even needed or not. 

The images on his tablet, Yunho's and his, beckoned and tempted and he installed his haul of apps and code with more patience than he usually displayed. His gaze caught more often than not on Yunho's face. On the half-smirk he used to hate, but had learned to read like few others. It rarely meant what people thought, that smirk.

Right then it meant _be strong_. It meant _we can do this_. And _I'll be there for you when you come back_. Most of all, it meant _I love you, I trust you, I belong to you._

And Changmin really needed that reminder. At least until the sharp pain of separation that had him want to curl in on himself and hide dwindled to the dull throb of a heartache he could live with.

His fingers shook as he clicked on the photoshop icon. A few minutes later he was engrossed in learning how to drive the thing.

When his laptop pinged to alert him to an incoming email it was four in the morning. Physical and emotional exhaustion blurred Changmin's vision. He'd tried and tried, read countless how-to guides and half the instruction manual and yet… he'd failed. Half-built images of Yunho and himself mocked him from the screen… none of them even remotely what he had envisaged. And his first panicked thought at the untimely interruption was that Yunho was gone and that they would never get another chance to have their photo taken. Never get another chance to touch and smile and put their arms around each other.

Logic asserted itself a moment later. Surely they wouldn't just email him if something had happened to Yunho. 

Then he reasoned that the man was most likely fast asleep. Soon due to be woken for his first full day as a recruit.

Changmin sighed. He was beyond tired if logic failed him so spectacularly. But then… this was about Yunho and Yunho was outside the realms of logic. Always had been. Always would be.

Wondering what part of his complicated schedule had collapsed in a heap, he opened the app… only to come face to face with the one thing he'd been desperately seeking to create: a picture from that afternoon. 

A picture of himself and Yunho with their arms around each other, looking at each other as they said their goodbyes.

_I noticed that you didn't have a camera with you. I thought you might like to have this_ , said the email. _As a reminder, until you two are back together._

Downloading the image onto every device he owned took mere moments. Turning it into his phone wallpaper took even less time. The printer in his study was easier to work than Photoshop and produced a flawless rendering of the image Changmin had failed to take himself.

And finally, after too many hours spent awake and trying to hold it together, Changmin let go. He curled up on the sofa they'd shared so often, the photo propped up in Yunho's place. Tension bled from his frame like air from a punctured balloon and he fell asleep watching a picture that reminded him of everything worth holding on to.


End file.
